Vile machali wengine hawajui kukatiana

The other weekend around 11.00pm I was on my way home. I had alighted along Mombasa road since I couldn’t get the “KPA” matatus. Well for those who don’t know, these mathree takes you straight to your estate gate and they are a little bit expensive. It was dark and quite. Tired, the only thing I wanted was to reach home have a warm bath and sleep. Luckily, I don’t have a nagging girlfriend who would make noise over my head for not wishing her goodnight. I mean we are all mature,daaaaaah! A few meters from my door I heard some loud Tanzanian music. I was aware there was a party but I wasn’t aware it was so close to my house. So am passing the neighbor’s gate and once I heard the music, I’m all smiles. I was tired like hell but who cared! So here I am figuring how am going to grab a bottle of cheap wine from my kitchen counter an invite myself (read gate crush). As soon as I was inside the house, I didn’t bother to even have that bath I desperately needed. Grabbed the wine, I must confess that I didn’t buy this wine in the first place. My friend Jompe had bought it for himself but I kinda stole it from him. Just to make things clear, mimi sio mwizi. I just borrowed it from him.

The house party was great, dancing here and there. Like in every party, kila mtu alikua na wake. The cheeks as you would have imagine were all in high heels and those skimpy tight short gorgeous dresses or hot pants that showed the thighs good good. I didn’t dance, not one bit, so I sat down and watched. The best view was from the kitchen. Next to me was this beautiful lady, she appeared mature not like the other “I don’t know about you but am feeling like 22” young ladies who were shaking it off at the floor.

Then this “Dreadlocked” guy approaches her. Do I have to tell you that I wanted to grow dreadlocks? Mhhhhh my friend once told me that ladies love this! That it turns them on! Oh my God….! Did I just say that??!! Dreadlocked guys with strong arms. Well, I thought to myself that I would look good in dreads but then I changed my mind.  I already have strong arms so I don’t need dreads to make ladies fall for me.

 

 Back to the kitchen area this guy starts to ask this lady questions. The kind of questions guys asks when they want to get into  ladies pants. Are you seeing anyone? Where do you live, who with? Etc, this conversation was going great.  I call it reading your CV script by script from your head. Ever since I have been dating, I have never had someone cram his resume’ like this dude did. Ati, you see Julie… I learnt that her name is Julie earliar, when you start dating me, you’ll see how I’ll always be there for you.(Read in CV wordings, I call this  I am a hardworking individual. On our dates, you’ll see how you’ll find me waiting for you> ( Read, I am a time keeper who always comes to work early and never late), I’ll be faithful to only you, (Read loyal to my company)  and you’ll find out how good I am in bed (In CV Terminology, read passionate and enthusiastic I am at what I do) I’ll work with you(read team Player), caring, committed etc. JESUS CHRSIT!!!! Dude, are you applying for a job or reading your wedding vows,?Aki ya Ngai you’d have thought she was a potential boss and he was a job seeker taking an interview from her! It’s only shag dude and she’ll probably never see you again!! Why go through the long route of  filling the application form when she is standing right there in front of you? And she’d nature called, they’d have sneaked to the balcony. Did he want her to wave her hands to remind him that she was there and she was NOT an employer with a vacancy? When did shagging become such a complicated long story?

He did not stop there. This  Resume’ musta been of 10 pages long because he started on his  relationship  history started Read Work experience, how he was with his girlfriend etc, he was dumped yet he was always the committed one, then his baby mama who won’t LEAVE, then he went on to give her his personal/life storiesRead Hobbies on your CV how he’s a party animal, listens to dancehall and reggae, loves movies etc and then wait for it………he had a PHD.  Read Education back ground Yes!!!!!!! A pretty Huge Dick! How in Jesus name was this relevant?? Ok I’m lying this is a very vital piece of information when sending a lady an application form but dude!!!  He went on and on about how he does not disappoint, good in bed etc 

Just like every man

By the time he started yada yadaring from Name, address, D.O.B, work experience, education background etc I’ll tell you how much he bored her, she started counting her hair right in the middle of the party. Then it looked like she lost count when he mentioned his education background. (PHD Level), what did he want her to say? That she had a PTP? Machali kuweni serious Jo!

MY CRAZY DUDES...

So am sited here wondering why people lie. Can you imagine the total number of people who lie every day? Lying has become no big deal issue in our daily lives today, it is like a virus. It infects everybody, from children to the old. People lie because of different reasons. Some lie to keep their love relationships, others lie to get something but a great percentage of people lie to protect their public relations. Being honest has never been easy. Actually being truthful can make you lose the very important people in your live that you have been protecting from your lies. But for how long will you keep lying? Lying sometimes comes unexpected. No matter how much you want to be honest you just flip and you fall into it.  

I have so many friends and a great number of them are no good to me anyway. Sometimes I find myself in a very difficult situation and I need help badly. I then go through my contacts and HELL NO…! I can’t believe that a great percentage of them can’t help me. So do you know what I do? Actually everybody does this… I DELETE THEIR GOOD FOR NOTHING NUMBERS! The next time they would call me and “haki pole, imagine nilipoteza simu nikapoteza contacts zangu zote” hehehe its funny what people do. Anyway, that was just a by the way, back to what I was talking about earlier….

So I have this friend of mine. He is so dark and tall and he has these curly hair and big eyes. I would make fun of him that his mum had a mpango wa kando and that explains his curly hair. Aloyce is his name. Dude…! This guy is an expert in lying. When we were in school everything he would tell me were all liars. At times I would ask him what he wanted to be when he is done with high school and then give him the answer before he actually tells me “wewe utakua tu watchman uwe ukidanganya boss wako kila siku. I mean watch men are known by the way they lie! He would laugh it off.

Moses…Damn! This is another good liar. Actually he might be having a PHD in lying. I swear this guy is beyond repair. God have mercy! Mosesoh! That is how Aloyce and I would call him back then when we were still in high school. A typical luo boy from an interior village called “Boi” God! I have seen a lot of backward villages but this one is the leading in the whole wide world. Haki si hao watu wako nyuma! I wonder where he learnt to be that good liar. Let me not concentrate much about his village. This dude was my best friend too. Actually I have like five best friends. I remember the lies we would tell when we were all together the three of us. We had this group “THE BIG FIVE” I never really liked the other two

 They looked so humble but I was not humble back then. This group am telling you when you go back to my former high school and ask about the “BIG FIVE” you will be shocked. Actually we are even in the internet. The good part of it is that tulikua wachopi wabaya sana na haturingi.  Am not going to give a lot of details but one thing I Would have loved is you meeting my PRETTY GOOD LIAR FRIENDS.

Enjoy your weekend all of yah….