Vile machali wengine hawajui kukatiana

The other weekend around 11.00pm I was on my way home. I had alighted along Mombasa road since I couldn’t get the “KPA” matatus. Well for those who don’t know, these mathree takes you straight to your estate gate and they are a little bit expensive. It was dark and quite. Tired, the only thing I wanted was to reach home have a warm bath and sleep. Luckily, I don’t have a nagging girlfriend who would make noise over my head for not wishing her goodnight. I mean we are all mature,daaaaaah! A few meters from my door I heard some loud Tanzanian music. I was aware there was a party but I wasn’t aware it was so close to my house. So am passing the neighbor’s gate and once I heard the music, I’m all smiles. I was tired like hell but who cared! So here I am figuring how am going to grab a bottle of cheap wine from my kitchen counter an invite myself (read gate crush). As soon as I was inside the house, I didn’t bother to even have that bath I desperately needed. Grabbed the wine, I must confess that I didn’t buy this wine in the first place. My friend Jompe had bought it for himself but I kinda stole it from him. Just to make things clear, mimi sio mwizi. I just borrowed it from him.

The house party was great, dancing here and there. Like in every party, kila mtu alikua na wake. The cheeks as you would have imagine were all in high heels and those skimpy tight short gorgeous dresses or hot pants that showed the thighs good good. I didn’t dance, not one bit, so I sat down and watched. The best view was from the kitchen. Next to me was this beautiful lady, she appeared mature not like the other “I don’t know about you but am feeling like 22” young ladies who were shaking it off at the floor.

Then this “Dreadlocked” guy approaches her. Do I have to tell you that I wanted to grow dreadlocks? Mhhhhh my friend once told me that ladies love this! That it turns them on! Oh my God….! Did I just say that??!! Dreadlocked guys with strong arms. Well, I thought to myself that I would look good in dreads but then I changed my mind.  I already have strong arms so I don’t need dreads to make ladies fall for me.

 

 Back to the kitchen area this guy starts to ask this lady questions. The kind of questions guys asks when they want to get into  ladies pants. Are you seeing anyone? Where do you live, who with? Etc, this conversation was going great.  I call it reading your CV script by script from your head. Ever since I have been dating, I have never had someone cram his resume’ like this dude did. Ati, you see Julie… I learnt that her name is Julie earliar, when you start dating me, you’ll see how I’ll always be there for you.(Read in CV wordings, I call this  I am a hardworking individual. On our dates, you’ll see how you’ll find me waiting for you> ( Read, I am a time keeper who always comes to work early and never late), I’ll be faithful to only you, (Read loyal to my company)  and you’ll find out how good I am in bed (In CV Terminology, read passionate and enthusiastic I am at what I do) I’ll work with you(read team Player), caring, committed etc. JESUS CHRSIT!!!! Dude, are you applying for a job or reading your wedding vows,?Aki ya Ngai you’d have thought she was a potential boss and he was a job seeker taking an interview from her! It’s only shag dude and she’ll probably never see you again!! Why go through the long route of  filling the application form when she is standing right there in front of you? And she’d nature called, they’d have sneaked to the balcony. Did he want her to wave her hands to remind him that she was there and she was NOT an employer with a vacancy? When did shagging become such a complicated long story?

He did not stop there. This  Resume’ musta been of 10 pages long because he started on his  relationship  history started Read Work experience, how he was with his girlfriend etc, he was dumped yet he was always the committed one, then his baby mama who won’t LEAVE, then he went on to give her his personal/life storiesRead Hobbies on your CV how he’s a party animal, listens to dancehall and reggae, loves movies etc and then wait for it………he had a PHD.  Read Education back ground Yes!!!!!!! A pretty Huge Dick! How in Jesus name was this relevant?? Ok I’m lying this is a very vital piece of information when sending a lady an application form but dude!!!  He went on and on about how he does not disappoint, good in bed etc 

Just like every man

By the time he started yada yadaring from Name, address, D.O.B, work experience, education background etc I’ll tell you how much he bored her, she started counting her hair right in the middle of the party. Then it looked like she lost count when he mentioned his education background. (PHD Level), what did he want her to say? That she had a PTP? Machali kuweni serious Jo!